Hating Him, Loving Her
by alexclement
Summary: I shuddered at the nostalgic wave that crashed over me. It was not pleasant, not a pleasant memory at all." Bella is pregnant and Carlisle is unsure. Edward despises himself, but he needs to stay with Bella.
1. Attraction's Mysteries

_No. No. No. She could not be pregnant. Please be a lie. Please be some tropical disease I've never heard of. This will kill her._

The thoughts would not make the truth fade away. It was there, plain and clear.

The small silver phone in my pocket buzzed, vibrating. I heard Bella jolt, the mouth-watering scent of her quivered in the air, burning my throat just minutely. My heard suddenly dissolved and I felt a hole burning in my chest. _Carlisle. I have to talk to Carlisle._

I told myself to answer it, but no other part of my body would follow.

I hadn't even noticed Bella reaching for the cell phone in my pocket. Now something was definitely wrong. I was usually hyperaware of everything Bella was doing. Every time her heart beat it usually sent electric shocks down my body, but not today. I was focused on something else. She will die. Carlisle has to fix it.

"Can vampires go into shock?" I heard Bella ask Carlisle with a trembling voice.

"_Has he been harmed?"_ Carlisle's slightly fuzzy voice replied with a question. Bella's heart sped up dramatically and the hole in my chest burned and festered.

Bella would say it. She could say it. She couldn't believe it, that was all. It was simple to say, but that didn't mean it was true. Or it even _could_ be true.

_Pregnant_. That felt like getting my head ripped off, probably worse. I wished I was Victoria right now, getting my head bit off. The sting of vampire venom and the excruciating pain of getting a limp removed would have been good. I'd love that right now.

Without my brain actually ordering it, I snapped my head up and held my hand out for the phone. She looked alarmed and slowly placed the phone in my hand. I put it to my ear.

"Tell me it's impossible." I ordered Carlisle.

"I – I, Edward, I don't know!" he exclaimed. I could hear Alice hyperventilating nearby.

"Is it even possible?" I asked, slowly articulating each syllable, speaking mostly to myself.

Carlisle didn't speak.

"We're coming home." I told him sternly, already dashing around the room, packing nearby suitcases.

He sighed, "That's best." He stuttered, "Alice…"

"Edward, please come home. I don't… I saw… please come home." Alice pled. I realized her voice was closer to sobbing, though no tears could come out.

I froze instantly, "Alice, _what _did you see?"

Alice stuttered, hesitated and began hyperventilating, "I saw her… her…" her voice dropped to a whisper, "_Dying_."

She began sobbing tearless, uncontrollable sobs and Carlisle took the phone away from her. I heard his voice next. "Edward, bring her home. We'll get it out of her." He paused, "Maybe we'll have to change her sooner." His voice was barely a breath. My own breath caught and something icy and sharp twisted in my stomach. The hole in my chest festered around the edges.

"No!" I exclaimed, but realized that that was my only hope, _her_ only hope. My mind was abruptly clouded with visions, dreams, hopes, _wants_. She'd be durable… she'd be the same temperature as me… it would be so much easier to be with her.

But truly, was that what held such an unbreakable attraction to me? Wasn't it the significant sound of her heart pumping blood through her veins, with such a sound that could bring tears to my eyes if such a thing were not impossible? Wasn't it the mouth-watering aura that was all around her and her belongings? Wasn't it the fact that I tried so hard to get her and I got her? If she were a vampire, that effort would be gone, with a puff of smoke.

Suddenly, I realized. None of that, _none_ of that was it. She was mouth-wateringly delicious, I knew from experience with her blood. She was the most beautiful person alive, her ivory skin, chocolate-colored eyes, beautiful thick, brown hair. She was unselfish, she'd forgotten all her Jacob worries to be with me. She was wonderfully stubborn, she'd never given up on me, in all those months of pain that she'd suffered, we'd _both_ suffered, back in senior year when I left? I shuddered at the nostalgic wave that hit over me… it was not pleasant, not a pleasant memory at all.

She was soft, a good thing, but breakable, a bad thing. She was beautiful, a good thing, but I can't imagine the beauty that would shine on her when she became immortal… I banished that thought. She was beautiful as is. I couldn't leave her unchanged. If the Volturi, by some strange vampire memory loss disease (which will _never_ happen), didn't come, then she'd live a short life anyway. It was short to me. It made me sad… no, more than sad… it made me depressed and feel _sick_ to my stomach. She'd be changed. If this was the only way to kill the… the… _fetus_… then, we'd change her. The venom would kill the thing.

I was done. All of Bella's clothes were in her suitcase, clothes and everything else Alice had packed for her. I wasn't afraid of forgetting anything. It didn't matter now. Anything she needed could be bought.

Except for me. And she needed _me _right now, because this was my fault.

All my fault.

Again, I was the reason for her coming pain.

I couldn't let it hurt her.


	2. Rosalie's Arms

"It's okay. You'll be okay." I repeated once again, as Bella kept her arms wrapped around herself protectively. She was scared, for herself, of course. I can't imagine why not.

"Okay." She replied, the same reply used again.

The quiet chatter from coach behind us was nagging at my mind, trying to pull me away from my nightmare. I hadn't slept in 90 years, never dreamt, never had a nightmare. But this seemed pretty close.

This wasn't good for her. _I _wasn't good for her. That was all I could tell myself. This was my fault. My fault, _all_ my fault.

And then something very, very bad happened. We got out of our terminal and I saw Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle standing there. I couldn't concentrate on their thoughts. I was too preoccupied, keeping all my focus on Bella.

Who ran straight into Rosalie's arms.

_A baby_. She thought, two short words.

Bella WANTED this baby.

We couldn't have that!


End file.
